No longer the "hated foe"

In the past I've referred to Cicily's trach as the "fondest ally and hated foe". I honestly no longer feel that way. I'm so glad she was able to have it out for 2 wonderful months. But I have to say I am honestly so happy to have it back! Now I can suction all that junk out in the morning, and not have to coax her to cough and hope she's just working it all out every day. I can hear her raspy breathing and stick a catheter straight down the tube! I think she'll end up being more healthy this winter with a trach than she would have without it. Who am I kidding, she wouldn't be here this winter without it. And that is the biggest reason I am 100% ok about the trach for now - it will keep my Cicily alive.
It's also weird, when I heard Cicily laugh for the first time hearing her voice I cried. I loved hearing her voice every time she laughed with her trach out. In fact, she was just getting really good at it and really loud with her babbling and talking too. But, the first time I heard her laugh after her trach went back in, it was like seeing an old friend again. It didn't make me sad like I thought it would, it made me smile.
I'm also relieved each time she cries really hard because now I know with her trach back, she'll calm down and breath. Without her trach she'd cry really hard and turn purple. It's such a relief. Maybe the new perspective is just all the prayers you've all been saying for Cicily and our family?? If it is, keep them coming!

And for now I want to say - Welcome back trach, you are no longer my hated foe, but my ally. Thank you for allowing my little girl to hold on to her gift of life.